Monday, September 20, 2010

My first trip to the sex toy store.

 I have always lived a sheltered life. I have gone from living in one very small town, to the rural life, and that's it! I don't get out much, and my sex life with hubby, is non-eventfully normal.
  Now, my best friend Guinevere, she has always lived in a small town, but this girl THRIVES on sex, wild kinky, holyshitdopeoplereallydothatstuff kinda sex. She says my sex life would be described as vanilla. I say hers would be a combination of rocky road and chunky monkey.
  One day while running an errand with her, we decide that it was high time I actually went into a sex toy shop. Yep, at that time I was 40 years old, and never been in a sex toy kind of establishment...ever. She decides that was just a pitiful shame, and wants to expand my mind.
  We walk in, and I'm assaulted by numerous outfits hanging on the wall, that I can only explain as "stripper-ish", complete with pasties. I was instantly in awe of it all. She giggles, and takes me down the numerous aisles of different types of toys. After I got over my initial prudish shock, I was able to actually look at things without the desire to run from the store. Honestly, many things just scared the crap out of me, other things I was all "OMG, they really make stuff like this".
  The aisle of "toys for the men" was what really threw me. On this one display table sat a giant ikidyounot silicone ass! We looked at it, had to touch the cheeks..laughed a little, and then Guinevere moved on.
  I stood there, staring at that giant silicone ass in total wonder. Then the strangest thing happened and I was completely overcome with the urge to stick my index finger in the giant silicone ass. I don't know why. So I quickly moved a little further away and continued to browse. Then my eyes would land on my perfectly manicured index finger, then drift back toward the giant silicone ass, then to my finger, then slowly back toward the ass. It's as if I had lost all control of my senses and judgement.
  I quickly daydreamed exactly what would happen if I did indeed place my index finger in that silicone ass, which I was certain now that I was going to do.
  Daydream option 1. I approach, gently place my finger in the ass, and something CHOMPS down on it, effectually removing my finger just below the nail. I pull it out bloody, scared, but too afraid to admit to anyone around me there was a problem because..well hell, I had just put my finger in a giant silicone ass. I picture myself walking around, and see two other people with amputated fingers, then look up at the perk little cashier and she has a smug look of "Oh..I see what you did and that's how we handle your kind of weirdos in here" on her face. I picture the cops being called and next thing ya know, I'm a registered silicone ass sex offender.
  Option 2. I approach and gently place my finger in the giant silicone ass. This time, nothing chomps down, all is well until I try to pull my finger out, and it clamps down on me like a Chinese finger puzzle. I try in vain to pull my finger out, but the ass just gains a tighter grasp around my finger. In a panic, I yell to my friend, which in turns gets the attention of the cashier. The cashier grabs the microphone by her register and loudly announces to the entire store "Bob, we have another nut job with her finger stuck in the giant silicone ass in aisle 3. Release her finger and remove her from the store". I picture the cops being called and next thing ya know, I'm a registered silicone ass sex offender.
  Option 3. I approach and gently place my finger in the giant silicone ass. This time, nothing chomps down, the finger can easily be removed, but as I pull it out I notice it is stained bright neon purple. I try my best to hide it as we finish browsing the store. My girlfriend makes her purchase, asks me for some odd change, I reach into my purse for the coins..the cashier notices and yells loudly "PURPLE FINGER..SHE HAS HAD HER FINGER IN THE GIANT SILICONE ASS" then asks me to leave the store after she hands me a sticker that says "Registered Silicone Ass Sex Offender". I wear it for the rest of my life like The Scarlet Letter.

   I notice that while daydreaming, my feet have brought right back to the giant silicone ass and my finger is slowly making it's way to the hole in it completely against my will. I quickly look around to make sure no one is watching me. My finger slowly enters the hole. There is no chomp, no tightening as I pull it out. Whew. I slowly hold my finger up to get a look at it, as if pointing to the ceiling. I would say as if pointing to Heaven, but after what my finger just did to that giant silicone ass, it didn't deserve to point to heaven. I closely examine it. No purple dye, no brown marks (kinda thought there would be *shrug*) and I turn my nail to look at it and the manicure was still perfect. Just then as I was inspecting the nail on my up-raised, pointed up finger, my focus drifted back to the background. And there she stood, the woman who had witnessed my shame, looking at me with a barely composed grin on her face. SHIT, someone actually witnessed my finger molestation of the giant silicone ass.
   What does one do in this situation. My finger is still before my face pointed up. So...I glance back from her to my finger, the back to her, and wave at her with my finger tip. She burst out laughing and walks away.

  Later that evening Hubby and I have this conversation:
Hubby: "So what did you think of the toy store today?" while he suppresses a giggle that I would even dare enter such an establishment.
Me: " It was interesting as hell. OH, and I molested a giant silicone ass with my right index finger" and hold up said finger for him to inspect.
Hubby "You did what?"
Me: "I put this finger here(waving in back in forth in front of his nose), in a giant silicone ass's asshole!"
Hubby: "Why?" laughing out loud by now.
Me: "Something just made me do it, and now I'm kinda disappointed they didn't give me the sticker after all"
Hubby: "What sticker?" obviously confused now
Me: "You know, the "Silicone Ass Sex Offender" sticker!!"
Hubby: "They don't  have those, I think."
Me: "Well they should, because after all that, I think I deserve one."
Hubby: "What the hell are you talking about?"

And that folks, is my "The day I molested a giant silicone ass" story. Pffft. Vanilla...not me. More like VANILLA...with SPRINKLES!!!!!!!!!!! Ya.
Thank You Guiny!!!

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Making a Bottle for a "Bottle Tree"....or my version of one.

I like to hang decorated wine bottles from an old and tired Bradford Pear Tree in my back yard. Why? 1. It has a neat myth that it traps evil spirits, and when the bottle makes that sound from wind blowing over it, it's the spirit moaning (read here "What is a Bottle Tree" to find out more). 2. Hubby hates it. He doesn't get the appeal, and says it just makes me look like an alcoholic. (noooooo...nothing wrong with a good wine). I never pass up an opportunity to get on his nerves 3. I get to pick out cool bottles of wine....and then DRINK THEM! ya! 4. It makes my asshole nosey neighbor wonder just what the hell that's all about. 5. When people visit us (usually "people" means family just coming over to use the pool, and get me to cook them a free meal), they ask about it, then roll their eyes at me. 6. It is quick to decorate, and makes me happy. 7. The beads on the bottles make an interesting noise as the bottle moves with the winds, think wind chime-ish..kind.'s fuuuuuuuunnnnn.
  Usually, the entire tree is made up of inverted bottles on "limbs"..forming something in the shape of a Christmas tree. I have to be different though, and just hang them from my Bradford Pear tree. is how I do it. With pictures even, if you want to be odd and hang cool wine bottles from your tree too!

Step One: Find a really cool bottle of wine, and enjoy it! Then rinse out said bottle.

You need your bottle, some beads, and jewelry needle nose type pliers, wire cutters, a good sturdy wire thin enough to be fed through bead holes, and some beads. I prefer to use pieces of shells, glass..etc. More "natural" things, well as natural as glass gets. Plastics tend to fade or flake in the weather. The Monster energy drink, is just a preference, and here to explain why my pictures tend to get a tad bit shaky.

My choice of "beads". I liked the light blue with the cobalt blue of the bottle. I just grabbed some out of my stash, little colored shell chips (which will probably fade) and some glass beads. The wire, was a tad bit too soft, as I will later show.

Cut around 3 pieces of wire about 9 inches long. You can do more or less, but since I am absolutely obsessed and OCD about odd numbers...go for odd numbers, and don't ever tell me if you do even! Tie a knot in the end of each wire, then gently tighten it up by grabbing one end with your hand, and the other with pliers and pulling it tight.

It should look like this. You may need to trim it a tad with your wire cutters.

Then simply string a few inches of beads on the wire. You can add as many, or as few as you like.

Repeat with the other wires. You don't have to be precise. Don't stress over what order they go in, they will be on a bottle in a tree for crying out loud. People don't really notice them that much!

Next, cut another piece of the wire about 2 foot long. Longer if you want it to hang lower in your tree. Then, wrap one end around the neck of the bottle, and tie a knot in it, tightening with your pliers.

After it's good and tight, trim the end of it off with your wire cutters.

Next, wrap the wire from the knot around the bottle several times, and feed the end through to lock it in place.

Take the end of the wire with the beads attached, and feed it through one of the wraps of wire on the neck of the bottle.

It may pull the wire loose a bit, but don't worry, you can tighten it up when you are done. When the beads hang on the bottle about where you want them, make a "u" out of the wire, then wrap the end around itself several times so it is attached to the neck wire (neck wire? sounds totally dangerous!!) You don't have to use all the end of the wire, just trim it off after you have wrapped it around 5 or 6 times.

Then repeat with the other bead/wire combo. You can just initially wrap it loosely going down the wire, then use your fingers or pliers to gently slide the coiled wire up closer to the neck wire to make it look tidier. I hang mine in varying lengths going down the bottle. When all are attached, tighten back up the wire around the neck of the bottle, and get ready to hang it. 

Choose a branch on your tree, and first knot the wire around it, then wrap the remaining end around the wire going down to the bottle to neaten it up.

Once again, wrap it around many times, then you can use your thumb to push the coil up closer to the knot.

and see, it looks pretty, with the little beads dangling down, and making a tiny "tinking" sound when the wind moves the bottle and the beads hit it. You can leave the label on, or clean it off. If the label is pretty, I leave it on and let nature take care of it at will.

Here is the label on the other bottle. I bought this wine just because I liked its name, and the cute little hippo on the label. Yep, you are reading it right, it's called "Fat bastard". Dontcha just LOVE it?? The weather has nearly taken the label off. I don't remember if the wine was good or not, it has been a while back. Perhaps it's because I finished most of it in an evening?? Nah, couldn't be.

And since I now had 2 bottles in the tree, and that previously mentioned obsession with odd numbers, I had to make one more. The nice frosty bottle made me want to add red beads. I love me some red. Then I found black ones too, I like them, and it made me think of my high school sports colors, so I went with it.
Same steps as above, but since the bottle was bigger, I decided on 5 strands of beads (keeping it odd ya know). Oh color red, how I love you! You make me happy.
I took the label off this bottle, because it was plasticy, and I didn't like it, but I love the beads against the frosty glass.
I hung this one higher in the tree. The poor pathetic tree. It's survived through one damaging wind storm, and a lightening strike. I should let Hubby cut it down like he wants, but then...where would I hang my bottles..and I love it...and it was a Mother's Day present 17 years ago...and I love it!
When you are done, make sure to pick up all those little wire ends you trimmed off. They are pointy, and easy to get shoved into little feet when they land on the floor (as they always do). AND, big ugly feet like mine, then I whine, and cuss...and the kids point and laugh. They are such brats.
And put away your materials. THIS...this is where I keep my beads, jewelry making supplies. I'm so terribly neat and organized ya know! (eye roll..yes, I'm a slug, a big disorganized slug)

Then, I go out to take clothes off the line, and I find this!
I told you that you needed to use a good firm wire. I didn't! I used what I found first. It was too soft, and it's windy out today. I think as the bottle moved back and forth gently in the breeze, it kept moving the wire back and forth, and broke it. SO...use a not so soft wire, and don't fasten it so close to the limb. Let it have some swinging room. I will repair it and re-hang it. *sigh*  As soon as I find the better wire I put up so well in the house, that now, I can't find it. Have I mentioned I'm disorganized?

Well, I hope this mess of a "How-to" helps. That is only if you give a shit, or want to aggravate your hubby/spouse/partner/kids/family/neighbors by hanging your wine bottles from a tree. Come's fun on so many different levels, from drinking the wine, to the craft project, to annoying people and catching those pesky evil spirits in your yard. OH...and you can do it while emptying one of those bottles (by emptying..I totally mean drinking it), just be careful with those wire cutters.

P.S. Yes, I know I need a new manicure!! DESPERATELY!

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Masturbation vs. Mastication

   I have always tried to have an open dialog with my kids about sex. I try not to get in all the messy details, but if they ask a question about it, I answer it honestly and with as much or as little information as I feel is necessary. That includes the topics of masturbation, sex, oral sex, etc. I instantly get uncomfortable, but try so hard to hide it from the kids. I figure they are best hearing it from me, rather than their young friends, like I did. I seriously thought when I was my daughters age, that a girl could get pregnant if a boy touched her leg. It caused near panic with me and my girlfriends on the playground.
    It can embarrass the hell out of The Boy because I have always been a bit blunt about these matters, and when Hubby hears anything remotely related to "sex talk" or "girl talk", he high tails it out of the room on some random yard mowing emergency.  
  Oh my girl. On the way to a doctors appointment for a check-up for Her Majesty and The Boy, my daughter quietly says "We talked about mastication today at school"..this is how the conversation went...
Me: Oh
Her Majesty: Ya, I don't know why we were talking about that.
The Boy: It means chewing, ya know.
Her Majesty: What? I thought it meant the other thing!
Me: What other thing?...(then the dawning of what she may have been thinking about)
Me: What did you think it meant?
Her Majesty: You know! That one thing. I couldn't figure out why we were talking about that, but chewing makes a lot more sense.
Me: You mean you thought it was "masturbation"???
Her Majesty: Ya!....(and she is blushing bright red!)
The Boy: Ugh, it means the act of chewing your food, you big dork!
Me: Oh my Goooddd. What did you say? at school? do we need to change schools and phone numbers now??
Her Majesty: I didn't say ANYTHING..I was confused and not sure why we were talking about that. I understand now. I thought they were the same word!
Me: Okay, that's good. There is nothing wrong with masturbation. It's nothing to be ashamed about, but we certainly don't talk about it at school, or to other people...k??
Her Majesty: Okay..geesh, I know!
The Boy: Just shoot me now, Mom.!

P.S. I'm almost certain the teacher gave the definition of the word, but I'm almost nearly as certain, that she didn't hear it at the time, because she was picking dried glue off her hands, making an eraser-paper clip chain, or daydreaming as she is prone to do.

P.S.S. This routine check-up on the kids, found that The Boy, has a  heart murmur that had never existed before. After an EKG, and a chest x-ray, we have to wait until Nov. 15th to speak to a cardiologist. I'm trying not to freak out, or freak him out. Sooooo...two more months of panic attacks and worrying before we have any answers.

P.S.S.S.  In case anyone else is confused, click for the definitions of each:  masturbation vs. mastication

Monday, September 13, 2010

I'm a Country Girl!! .

.....kinda! I live "out in the country", not too far (about 3.5 miles) from the nearest small town. Tiny town, quaint, sweet, one stop-light, one bar, 3,000 churches, one very over-priced grocery store, and two "convenience" stores kinda town. I like it, but it's definitely country life. We no longer keep critters here. After 3 winters of dragging my lazy ass out, hauling hot water to thaw out the chickens water and coop, I was DONE. *sigh* but I do miss them. I love me some chickens. The coops now sit empty, except for the wasps who build nest in them now, and the rats I am certain are living under/in them (hubby says it's all in my head..but what ISN'T?). So, while it is country life, it's not really country life. You know what I mean?  We don't farm, we do however cash rent out some of our land to a farmer. Plus, farming supports and feeds this family. We don't farm, but my husband manages a business that serves farmers. He sells the seed and products farmers use, and spreads their fertilizers/chemicals on the fields in big ole equipment. So, while we don't actually farm our land, we (using that term losely as in "Hubby" but I will take credit too) is directly involved in farming.
   The disadvantages of living in the country? A. I am a self imposed hermit most of the time. I may run into town to the local Village Pantry (convenience store) to get a few things, but only when I am desperate, and can't convince hubby to go.   B.  No Internet!! I have to rely on those expensive little cards from our cell phone company and we are too far to pick up the wireless you can get in town. Phone lines are CRAP and so full of static, that it won't hold a connection to get their high speed. So, we have 2 cards. One is mine, and one is The Boys, but Her Majesty will snitch one or the other for her little netbook.    C. WINTER.  It's a huge disadvantage out here. No windbreak to speak of, lots of drifting snow.'s freaking COLD!!!!!!!
   The advantages of living here. A. I am a self imposed hermit!  B. Peace and quiet. C. lots of privacy! I can do anything...including standing in the back acre and screaming at the top of my lungs and no one cares....hmmmm, that may also be a disadvantage (think being chased by crazy axe murderers! I do!)   D. Lots of cool wildlife like deers, raccoons, possums, skunks, owls, rabbits, birds of every kind, foxes, coyotes, toads, salamanders, frogs (my nemesis for the season), and various other bugs and critters. E. Hermitage and privacy (it is so worth repeating)

This is the view from my backyard. Corn, corn, corn, and more CORN! a few trees, and yep...that's a burn pit. Lots of nice fun in the evening..but so not green. I know, don't lecture.

View from front yard. Corn, corn, corn, and more corn. a few trees. That's our road. It's basically just a tarry oil that has been covered with gravel.

And this folks, is how we get our television viewing. I call it...Amish TV! If the Amish had TV, or electricity, or the interest to watch TV. I'm cheap with some things and this is one of them.

and this is one of the other things I'm cheap about. Yes, I know it's a "green" thing, but I do it because, it saves on electricity and smells great. It does confuse people who drive by or visit. They ask "Is your dryer broke?", we don't have electricity out here. It always makes me wonder why the only reason they think I would hang things out on the line, is because the dryer is broke. *sigh*

And, this is our one and only option for Internet. It's expensive too, and I keep getting REALLY close to running out of MB before the month resets, then it gets even more expensive. I steal The Boys at about that point, but his is close too! Yep, that's a WoW (World of nerd thing. Yep, I'm queen nerd/geek and proud of it!) thing there. If you don't play, it's an "authenticator", a random number generator that helps to try to prevent account theft. There is actual real life money value to the money and items you have on your WoW characters. Please, don't steal my account...I would throw a tantrum, and cry, and cuss...and need to take more of my little white anxiety pills...and I don't want to do that, because they can make me a zombie. ALTHOUGH...zombies=ultra cool!!
Beauty and the Beast.
Okay, so it's a little beast and not really scary. It's a grasshopper. They don't bite, but they can spit this really nasty brown stuff on you. I always think of them as tobacco chewers and that's what they spit. Nasty, gross, and generally unappealing.

The pictures suck in general. Mostly, because I took the rechargeable battery out of my camera to charge it, and can't remember where I left it. I grabbed up Her Majesty's little Kodak digital. The pictures are not nearly as good as the ones off mine, and I have yet to be able to convince Hubby to get my that SLR Digital Camera of my dreams. Some day......some day.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

How to get rid of the morning "under eye" baggage.

Okay, I've been TOTALLY putting off my first post. Mostly, because I'm boring as hell and no one else will find this amusing. SO, just a quick one to get me going.

I know we have all read the little helpful hint of putting Hemorrhoid Cream under your eyes to help get rid of the puffy dark circles we get under our eyes..right? As in Preparation-H? Well, I finally remembered to buy one and hide it from my husband, because, lets face it...if he has used it anywhere near his ass, I'm SO not using it on my face. This morning, I look in the mirror, and holy fucking shit, there are two hefty lawn and leaf bags under my eyes. I dig my tube of Prep-H out of it's hiding space, and liberally apply. I must have missed something in all this. I ended up with it in my right eye very quickly. So, I have no clue how I fucked up this simple hint, but I do know what I looked like about 5 minutes later. My right eye turned blood red, then started to really water. You know the kind, water gushing from your eye causing your nose to flood with the tears. I grabbed a cool washcloth to try to help remove some of the greasy Prep-H, and sat with it over my eye while just giving up and letting my nose run like a fountain.
    My end result? My right eye running and weeping, unable to see because it had a film over it, left eye looking all greasy, nose red and running. But DAUM....pretty sure it did get rid of a bit of the dark circles.
I'm pathetic. Then I spent the rest of the day, watching ghost stories on A&E, watching that show "Hoarders" because then I get to be all gloating and superior-like because my house isn't "THAT" bad (yet..oh yet). Seriously, watch it!! Then send the link to your mother in law with the note "See, I told you it could get worse", then pour yourself a strong drink, spiced rum is a good one for ANY time of the day, and sit back, wipe your runny eye and nose, and call it a successful day.

P.S. I have noticed that my sentence structure and grammar is WAY off the mark. Blame it on the lack of vision, the rum/ativan combo, or stupidity. Take your pick.

Oh..P.P.S. Her Majesty (my 11 year old daughter) comes running up to me saying "I just took a really good picture of Davey (Our neurologically challenged, no tail cat)" and she shoves her digital camera at me. I download's a picture of HIS FOOT?????

Quite honestly, it IS a good picture of Davey, or at least his foot!! I LOVE IT, I have now found the new profile pic I have been searching to find.